I'm back....in Therapy

Wow it's been so long! But here I am again. And yet again I don't know what to write about, and will force myself to write about something because the whole reason I created this blog is as a therapeutic outlet. OK so I guess I'll start by saying that I am back in therapy. Yep had to go back and thankfully found a wonderful new therapist just in time. HHmm now that I think about it, that was pretty cool timing. I think the reason I found i needed therapy again is because I have unresolved revolving issues. Stress seems to be a permanent fixture in my life and I have come to accept it, so now I have to make therapy a permanent fixture as well. Things that have been stressing me out lately are complicated and many. For one, my weight gain issues I feel have gotten out of control...I am now at my highest at 248lbs! That in itself should have been a wake up call, but it wasn't. My wake up call came a couple weeks ago when I awoke with an annoying pain on my upper right side. Turned out to be Gallstones. That wasn't the worst though, as I was sitting in my new doctors office, feeling horrible and scared I started realizing i had way too many issues to even discuss, let alone fix during that doctor visit. So I did what any other normal person would do? I had an anxiety attack! So that's when I found my new therapist and a nutrition educator too. I decided I would take all the help I could get. So now again I have a place, person and time to spill guts out at!! I can tell him about my hardships as a mother and how much I suffered when my oldest decided to move out to live with her lazy boyfriend, or about how I decided after almost 19 yrs of marriage to end it and live separated but under the same roof with my husband because he called me a CERDA on May 18Th 2011, or about how stuck I feel with my weight that not even my kids are motivation enough for me to lose, how stuck I feel about not having a career or an education I can be proud of and of when I remount to my horrible childhood, back when I was being used as a sex toy by the devil himself! Oh yeah I'll have lots to unload on the poor guy, guess I shouldn't have shut down for so long or held stuff in for so long. All of that pent up anger and stress deteriorated my physical health to the point where I am now obese, anemic and I now have gallstones. I gotta say all of the above mentioned worked very well as a huge wake up call and I have made good changes since then. I am now on the right path, have made changes in my diet and eating habits, have started therapy so I can get unstuck and started getting help from a nutrition educator because I have this new found love for myself and life in some way....because I love my girls and want to be here for them and because I want to set a good example for them. That's all for now...next I'll be writing of how this new lifestyle I've started is going...so till next time.

SIBERIAN BLISS

I am beyond myself with joy!!! I am now the very proud owner of a beautiful siberian husky ! My Lobo is 3 months old, copper red and white with gorgeous ice blue eyes! I am very very happy after waiting so many years to get one. To explain that further I must add that huskies are my favorite breed ever since I was a kid, so finally when i was in my early twenties my husband and I got one from a pet shop. Back the we were renting a small apartment and our landlord said we couldn't keep him....I was devastated, we only got to enjoy him one week, that was the original Lobo. So I decided I wouldn't give up....since then (1998) I had been waiting to get another, finally this year we bought a home with a big yard and I thought yey ! it is time to search for my dog again....i searched high n low for months, because it's very difficult to find huskies in the city and to find one within my budget even harder. But last week i got lucky, I found my puppy online, close by and with a reasonable price! Of course we went and got him immediately and I am thrilled. except for me having to clean up poop all day I am overjoyed....the problem is he has a very sensitive stomach and has been suffering with diarrhea since day one. I've tried different things to get him to at least have shaped poops but no luck yet. I started him on a new food called Blue Buffalo which is based on meat and oatmeal , no grain or by-products, hopefully this will help him poop better eventually, I just have to be patient. If anybody reads this and has advice for me I'd really appreciate it. well gotta go and pick up more poop....till next time.

I OFFICIALLY HATE SEX!

Feeling kinda ok today, even though i kinda had a traumatic night. Weird I know. Yesterday was sex night, sex after about 2 weeks of no sex. The traumatic part was that I wasn't looking forward to it and kinda tried to just get it over with as fast as possible. I have zero sex drive lately, and I don't mean a little or lower sex drive....I mean zero. And then since he'd been waiting so long, he was all into it and enjoying every second...while I was screaming hurry up n get the hell off me inside my head during the whole horrible time! Lately that's what I do, I get through it. Oh and having to act like I like it doesn't make it any easier to bare. I act like I like it cause I don't want to hurt his feelings, even when it's partly his fault I don't like sex anymore. Right now I can seriously say I can probably live a sexless rest of my life and be perfectly happy. Yep it's turned into a freakin chore. Sex for me now is the equivalent of having to wash the dishes after a long tired day, or having to get up extra early to take the girls to school and run errands after a sleepless night, or having to make up a whole meal and cook it by myself for a family of eight everyday! I also might add I've been sick this week, the stupid flu has taken over our household and doesn't want to give up on us. Oh wow I was just reminded of how multifaceted a mother has to be....I had to interrupt writing of how much I hate sex to turn into the tickle monster and tickle my baby during the nick jr. commercial break!! I guess that's my Q to go. I'll keep ranting about sex some other time.

RANTS OF AN OVERSTRESSED WIFE-N-MOM

Well I dunno really where to start or what to write....I guess that's why I titled this like I did. They're mostly just rants and complaints that float in the air around me cause I have no one to hand them over to....not even God cause I don't wanna bother him with petty crap. So they just linger around me, sometimes penetrating my mind again and taking over my thoughts, my hours, my life. Really can't say I mind too much sometimes cause sometimes it's just comfortable to be mad...sometimes it just being mad makes me happy. I know it sounds weird but think about it, I bet almost everybody has been at that place once or twice. It's just easier to stay mad sometimes than to work out the problem at hand, or you've mad about the same thing so many times and so frequently that it just doesn't get better so why bother trying to feel better? These rants linger for years you know? Some just cling to you since childhood. They invade your thoughts when you least expect it. Anything can trigger a memory and that memory triggers the awakening of anger deep inside you, anger you thought was in deep sleep. Although you do know it's there, you know you couldn't get rid of it no matter what you did. Wow this is getting depressing and I'm generalizing too much...I better start getting specific. I had one of those bad childhoods you just try not to remember much about, I had a mother that I just dunno how to describe, but yet I love and want to keep loving. I have now been married almost 18 yrs to the same man!! I have 4 great daughters that drive me crazy right along with their daddy....and now I have a new house that I thought was gonna be somehow the culmination of my happiness yet it's turning into another cause for grief along with the cat, hamster and 2 dogs in it. I will be more specific next time cause i just ran out of time....one of my mayor ranting opportunity just walked in....my mother!

Why?

Why can't life be less complicated? Even a little less complicated would help. why can't we just have clear feelings about everything, not half this or one third that? Either love or not love. either like entirely or completely dislike. But no, of course life is not easy, it doesn't cut us any slack, doesn't spare us of any complications. I have so many questions that go unanswered, I think I'd run out of space even here. But I'll go ahead n get some off my chest anyway...why do men cheat? Why do i have to cook all the time? Why do i hate having to plan a meal and cook it? Why do i relate that to sex? Why can't I just get a job and start moving on in life? What am I afraid of? Why can't I learn to just not give a fuck?.......anybody have an answer...just one....anybody?